HOW TO CREATE HEALTHY BOUNDARIES

Creating healthy boundaries is something I am just now starting to work on in my 30’s but I wish I had worked on my entire life! Having healthy, clear boundaries in my places means I feel less stressed, less judgemental and I feel like I’m in a better place mentally with boundaries than without. Here is my best advice on how to create healthy boundaries.

SIGNS YOU LACK PERSONAL BOUNDARIES 

If you do not set boundaries in life you may feel like people walk all over you.  You might feel like you’re always stuck doing things you don’t want to do. 

Here are a few signs you will notice when you lack personal boundaries. 

• You don’t speak up when you are mistreated. 
• You give away too much of your time to things you don’t want to do. 
• You feel like a victim.
• You have a fear about what others think of you. 
• You agree when you actually feel like disagreeing.
• You feel like people take advantage of you. 
• You feel guilty for taking time for yourself. 

The biggest reason we don’t create healthy boundaries is because we don’t feel worthy. 

Maybe you grew up around people who were hypercritical of everything you did. Or maybe, your mom constantly criticized herself so you learned something must be wrong with you too. 

What you do need to know is this: You are worthy! 

You, wherever you are, exactly as you are while you read these words. You are worthy. 

You are worthy of a happy, healthy and beautiful life. And only you can create that life! 

HOW TO CREATE HEALTHY BOUNDARIES 

1. When you recognize the need to set a boundary, put it in place. You might ask yourself, “how do I recognize the need?” That’s easy. Think back to the last time you felt like someone was taking advantage of you or the last time you ________ (babysat, attended an event, worked overtime, gave out money, etc.) even though you didn’t want to.

Do you remember how you were feeling? Perhaps annoyed, mad, sad or angry? *Sigh* I know those feelings too and I don’t like them one bit. 

2. So now we’ve recognized the need to set a boundary, what’s next? Putting the boundary in place! This part is important: write down your boundary! Whether it’s in the note section on your phone, in your planner or in your journal. This boundary statement is for you to remember what you won’t be accepting anymore.

Your boundary statement might look like this: 

• I will no longer work overtime when I know I have a busy week. 
• I will stop babysitting Sally’s kids. We will have a discussion about reciprocating babysitting and set up a detailed plan. 
• I will stop being a sounding board for friends, co-workers, family and neighbors who only want to complain or gossip. 

Let me know what your statements are in the comment section below.

The second part of setting boundaries requires that you communicate these boundaries in a peaceful and respectful manner. Trust me, you don’t want to start communicating boundaries if you’re in a bad mood, stressed or angry. Things will NOT work out well! 

The next time your boundaries are tested (you might feel a bit stressed) remember how you need to communicate clearly! 

You might say things like: 

• I can’t work extra hours this week. I’ll let you know if I can stay extra hours next week. 
• It’s really important to me that we reciprocate babysitting for eachother, are we on the same page with that? 
• I’d rather not talk about _____ right now, I feel like it’s gossiping. Let’s talk about (insert something you know this person likes) instead. 

3. Don’t justify or apologize for any boundaries you set. There is absolutely no need for apologies! You are taking control of your life and your mental health. You might notice the statements above do not have apologies in them.

Simply remember there is no need for an “I’m sorry” anywhere in your boundary. You don’t have to be sorry for living your life how you want to live it. 

You are not responsible for making other people happy. 

You are not responsible for fixing the problems of your friends and family. 

4. Last but not least, stand firm when your boundary is tested. Do not give in. Do not agree to do anything you don’t want to do. You can try saying things like: 

• That doesn’t work for me. 
• I can’t talk right now. 
• I don’t see that happening any time soon with my schedule. 
• I understand that you need help but I am not able to help you at this time. 

This may be the time to take a break or cut out people from your life. This is normal so don’t feel bad. Remember nothing will change in your life unless you initiate the change and remain consistent! 

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